What men do while they shit.
Awhile ago I wrote an article about men’s urinal habits. To this day, it is the article that gets the most hits on this website. Well, I’ve decided to do you sick fucks another favor and talk about what guys do when they “drop the kids off at the pool.” Also, I know some of you females do the same things – So, don’t send me a bunch of emails saying “EWWW that liek sooo gross haha!!!1” because you are just as guilty as I am (besides, I will beat you in the head with a hammer if you type like that).
1. The look down – all guys look at their shit before we flush. We look for three things: consistency, texture and size. And we are damn proud if it’s a whale (it’s a trophy if it takes more than two flushes for it to go down). All those who don’t look down aren’t human.
2. The wiener bend – A lot of girls ask me, “how do guys piss while they are sitting?” Well, it’s really quite easy: We simply bend our kosher sausages down into the toilet and release. If you’ve got a small dick, you probably don’t need to do that… but of course, I wouldn’t know anything about that.
3. The Jesus Shit – Once in a blue moon, you get to take an immaculate crap. It is soft enough so that you don’t have any trouble pushing it out, yet it is firm enough that it doesn’t leave any residue on your ass. Therefore, a Jesus Shit requires no wiping at all.
4. The O-ring – After taking a shit, there is nothing a guy enjoys more than the few minutes afterward as his O-ring slowly closes. I am convinced this is the only reason men become gay.
5. The smell – Sometimes, when I walk out of a bathroom that I’ve just “let loose” in, I smell the gaseous air and think “…that’s not so bad.”
6. The toilet paper – There are three ways you can use toilet paper: Fold it, wrap it, or crumple it. Folders are usually neat people, crumplers are usually angry people, and wrappers are usually black.
7. The toilet paper look – You know the kind of people that look at their snot after they blow their nose? They also look at the toilet paper after they wipe. You know the kind of people that pick their nose? Yeah… I’ll leave the rest of this to your imagination.
8. The paper trap – Guys that have hairy asses know that toilet paper easily gets caught up there. After awhile, you get hard clumps of paper stuck up there. The only way to get them out of there is to take scissors to your rectum and cut the clumps out. I know I’m going to get a lot of crap from people telling me that is nasty, but I pose to you the following question: would you want to have an ass full of toilet paper? I think not. So, stick that in your pipe and smoke it!
Alright, I know a lot of people are going to be disappointed because the really weird thing that they do is not on the list. Let me just say now that if it’s not on my list, then you’re just a freak. But email me if you really want or just bitch about it on the message board.
© 2004-2006 by Jeremiah